![]() ![]() ![]() At the time, my experience of the external world was that people and places seemed unreal, also myself. I took in what I read about dissociative states and learned that the sensations are a mental shift in one’s perception. What did I do next? Doubts or no doubts, I reined myself in and told myself that I had a dissociative condition, with OCD. OCD had been playing havoc with my mind for too long, intruding relentlessly with, “You need to do more research, buy another book.” I did: I bought books, I Googled information, I went back and forth to my doctor who continued to reassure me, yet all the time I was doing these behaviours, I was reinforcing my obsessional fear. ![]() On the one hand, I believed these unusual sensations meant I was losing my memory, and on the other hand, I knew instinctively that my memory was intact, yet doubted it. My resolution after reading the book was coming to the conclusion that my dissociated states had become so overwhelming that I’d lost all reasoning to fear - a fear that dragged me into conflict. I started to think that my lack of recall meant my memory was failing, that I’d been wrongly diagnosed so, I bought a book on dementia. So even after my doctor gave me sound advice, I still questioned why I couldn’t remember specific things, like what I did the day before, or where I was last week. ![]() Even people I knew looked unfamiliar and their voices sounded unusual, and our conversations which seemed weirdly confusing was all very unsettling. This was especially during an intense episode where people and my surroundings seemed more distant and unreal than at other times. Now add to the experience derealisation and depersonalisation, and you’ll see how TAF is very similar.įor example, my erroneous thinking before being diagnosed with depersonalisation was that the likelihood of developing early onset dementia (due to my forgetfulness and confusion) outweighed the higher possibility that I wouldn’t. What happens with TAF is that a person thinks as though their obsessive-related fear will be more likely to occur because they had a thought about it, even though deep down they know the idea is irrational. What did I do? First, let me explain how my imagined possibilities in OCD were focused on faulty reasoning linked to thought-action fusion (TAF). Also, I realised that having the feeling that I was watching myself in a slow-motion movie (derealisation) was part of the symptoms associated with dissociation. By now, such distraction coupled with strange sensations where I felt as though my body was detached from my mind (depersonalisation) was making sense. I experienced some stressors at the time of my diagnosis and had become forgetful and confused. My doctor explained that stress and anxiety can bring on dissociated states, including forgetfulness. While this strange awareness is a symptom of anxiety, at the time, it reinforced my fear of acquiring dementia. What I hadn’t realised then is how OCD had latched on to my dissociated experience, the feeling that makes me feel disengaged with myself, others, and the environment. Before diagnosis, I used to ruminate on doubts and what-ifs about losing my memory or getting early-onset dementia. My second diagnosis is a sensation that makes me feel my body is separate from my mind. If you are interested in sharing your story you can view submission details at Several years ago, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and later depersonalisation. This story is part of our blog series called “Stories from the OCD Community.” Stories from the community are submitted and edited by Toni Palombi. My “dementia” turned out to be depersonalisation ![]()
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